May 16, 2011 6 Comments
Hello!! If you’re reading this, that means you’re still around, and since I wrote it, that means so am I! That’s just really good news!
I won’t go into all the reasons why I’ve been absent from blogging. The explanations always seem to end up sounding hollow, even to my own ears.
So let’s let bygones be bygones, and get right down to business!
The past few months of pregnancy have been, to say the least, quite challenging. I took for granted that my first pregnancy was easy, with only a minimal amount of discomfort (truly), and felt confident that the second time around would also be just as effortless.
For some reason I had forgotten that I usually end up being one of the 0.05% of the population that are stricken with the rare side-effect, the unexplained complication, the freakishly extreme reaction. Thankfully things are for the most part going well. But, for every discomfort I was spared from with baby #1, baby #2 is making it his personal mission to make sure I know what I was missing.
Needless to say, the next 5 or 6 weeks will be a test of (and hopefully a lesson in) patience. I’ve been stubborn enough to have continued to use running as a means of maintaining sanity, although the physical challenges of this pregnancy have made me wonder how long I can keep it up. So far so good, but this week I feel a qualitative shift in everything.
All of the above pales in comparison to the excitement and anticipation that are building every day, as we come closer to meeting this little guy!
As we wonder what he looks like, what his mannerisms will be, and how long it will take for him to be sleeping through the night, more importantly, we hope that he will be healthy and happy, and we vow to do whatever it takes to make it so. (We also hope we haven’t depleted all the good genes on #1!! ;)
Work-life balance continues to be grossly skewed in the direction of work. There are days where I’m OK with that, and others where I feel that even one more minute will drive me over the edge.
A little over a year ago, our family moved from one of the only places where I’ve ever felt “home” to a new city, a place I feel will never be a “home” to me. This left my soul feeling empty, and my heart heavy for a longer time than I like to admit.
I recently had an opportunity to go back “home”, back to a place and a job I loved. Back to familiarity, back to ME. I feel I have lost a part of me here. The thought process for making the final decision on whether to stay here or go there was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It tore me apart, made me question what’s really important to me, and threw my whole world off balance.
To summarize the drama of the past couple of weeks, I am staying. The back and forth was too much, the thought of taking my boys away from their father without knowing how long it would be until we could all be together too painful. (The Husband needs to be here for the next couple of years for work-related reasons).
I had to get to a point where I thought seriously of the consequences of going back autonomously, and not as part of a team, to realize that I would never do it. At least not this way, not without a clear end goal and limited timeline. Not without knowing for certain that it would truly be what’s best for both myself and my family.
I feel more at peace now than I’ve felt for the majority of the past year. It’s as though the drama of having to choose to be here, to bring myself fully into this moment and this place, allowed me to shed some weight off my shoulders. I can relax, and know that I am now here by my own choice, at least for now.
I can now focus on this baby that’s going to be joining us soon, and allow myself to relish the knowledge that his father will be right by my side through the nighttime feedings, the diaper changes, and the coming year of firsts.
I can bring my mind back to my work and realize that no matter where I am, as long as I am doing my best and being the best version of me, then I will move forward.
My heart still feels a twinge whenever anyone says the words “San Diego”. My mind will wonder and contemplate what could have been, for I am human and that is our nature. But my heart will be happy in the knowledge that for the next couple of years, we will laugh, live, and grow together as a family, in the same place.
(Disclaimer: After the 2 year mark, I am TOTALLY breaking out my inner warrior princess and blazing a serious path for us back where there is a BEACH! Watch out, Cali, your next big earthquake is coming in the form of ME!)